huracan.

Published by Aundre | Filed under Uncategorized

I don’t really know how to feel right now. This weekend has been one of great joy, lots of hanging out, some new friends, a borrowed set of crazy green headphones, spring cleaning in november, and a first trip to zaxby’s. All in three days work I guess?

At the same, I feel terribly heartbroken. Today at Anthem Church, the pastor spoke about the moment when our faith became personal. And I immediately thought of when I realized that God could and would bind up my wounds, its was period of time in which I realized that the  spiritual role models God had placed in my path were my fathers. And that my heart would not go without love and nurturing. Travis, Matt, just to name a few, showed me all the stuff I really missed, playing basketball, car rides, a little ribbing and a whole lot of listening, love and direction. I love these men and look up to them, and pray to have just a fraction of their character.

Today I met a rift in my view of my fathers. And I am between complete shock and feeling that I am no better. In this time of me becoming a man, I am seeing everything unravel and to be honest I don’t exactly know how to feel. Part of me is ready to charge into battle as a soldier of love, healing the world and proving all this evil wrong. The other part just wants to freeze and weep, to close all the windows and blinds and just lay in bed.

I guess most of life is decided in this state of duality. Somehow we are expected to find balance between these two extremes, and sometimes I fear that I am paralyzed by indecision. But I know amidst my worrying, I am being guided to the direction I need to go.

And i know this because today, God said this to me “The time has come”. (Mark 1:15).

Is it time for me to be a man? Is it time for me to go get over my fear of heights and go skydiving?

I dont know, the only thing I know about the direction in which I am walking towards, is this: the confusion of life will never be completely gone, I will never fully understand anything, and I will always to some degree be the same bonehead I have always been. But I do know that as I seek out this direction, I will more readily welcome any hurricane that blows my way, for:

“Hello Hurricane, youre not enough, hello hurricane, you cant silence my love, Ive got doors and windows boarded up, all your dead end fury is not enough, you cant silence my love”.