I would just like to express how much I love…

-yellow skirts.

-peruvian hair.

-barefeet.

-hipsters.

-blue shirts.

That is all.

ps, i love my little schnitzel and the big man.

we got new shutters on our house, and i have a headache because of it.

the guys from family shutters came, power drilled and hammered away my peace of mind.

all that noise ended up serving a good purpose though. my house wont get destroyed next time a hurricane comes, well depending on how powerful it is.

at the very least,it will protect us from grapefuit-sized rocks crushing our windows.

the thing about hurricane shutters, and all those other precautionary measures we take ,like flood insurance, is that they point a the truth about humanity:

We are far from being in control.

We watch helplessly as an oil spill pollutes our oceans, we can’t bring the dead back to life, heck we can’t even stop ourselves from getting wet in the rain.

its just like jj said, there are just too many things that we got too proud of.

the thing that matters in this life is the love we leave.

within a few months of meeting Brooke Shaw, the coolest girl I know, she bought me pro watercolor paints. they even came in tubes, so i knew they were legit.

those paints weren’t the real gift, however.

Honestly the idea that someone who could make masterpieces believed me able to use paints, inspired me to be an artist in all i do.

the love you leave man, not the junk we make.

I ran into this bit of latin the other day that helps me, ancora imparo. it means, i am still learning. say it next time you get ahead of yourself.

I’ve considered shrugging it off, and saying, that’s just how life is, but I feel that a nonchalant attitude is a cheap fix. So with the noblest motives, I am facing how I feel as it slinks into my mind during silent moments and when reminders of her arise.

Through it all, I am elated because I knew that I gave it 100%.  It’s similar to going to a party and dancing like an idiot, without the slightest care of what others think.

Sure, I feel frustrated and a little heartbroken, but I left it all on the floor, so I don’t regret anything.

The challenge for me now, is to not slow down.

And to all of you that I havent treated right, I am sorry. Above all else, this situation has given me insight on how much of a jerk I have been.

Dear Jeff,

Dude, it’s weird to think that I have known you for almost four years. Remember when you wanted to call your band Americatronica? Or when Mike forgot to buy tickets to the MAE concert?

Looking back, I learned many lessons through our relationship. One of which hasn’t hit me until now.

You told me to never settle for anything but God’s best.

We were both finishing homework while allowing our desktop computer screens to distract us. We were on AIM and I started to tell you about this girl I liked.

I rambled for a bit until you stopped me to say “Why waste your time, giving yourself away to someone, who isn’t going to love and explore God like you are.. or heck, someone who will make you grow.. you need a strong woman man.”

A few years later, I understand that your advice was legit.

You met Chelsea Vensel and she changed your life.

First, your photostream was overrun with pictures of her, next came Dearest by the shoreways, and now you’ve got posters for her recital. Man you’re so in love, and the love that you have shown her, I can feel.

I used to tell Lex, “someday I want to find my own Chelsea.” And I prayed that I would cherish her like you do.

So in this last year, I grabbed the clutch, shifted gears and sped off to try to find a woman who would be a blessing.

But like in all things, God’s timing is key.

In the present tense, this curly-haired bright eyed girl plopped in my life. She has eyes like the ocean, that get lost in her face as she smiles. Her name is Devin, and I believe this might be the last time I ask God to show me my Chelsea.

I know that I have always been premature in my decisions. But I know that as far as this, I feel at peace in my heart knowing that I didn’t settle for anything but God’s best. And no matter the road it takes, I really believe in that vision that you cast over me.

Thanks again.

Sorry if this was weird bro.

Surely you desire truth in the inner parts ;
you teach me wisdom in the inmost place (verse 6)

As I sat there complaining to God that he didn’t make me strong enough. It hit me like a rolling-pin that my will power in the moment has less to do with me sinning than I originally thought.
At church we always hear that the best way to be more like Jesus is to follow passionately after him, not just to avoid sin.
Today as I sat on the checkered comforter in the guest room, the Nelson Mandela quote, “It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us” rang in my heart like words to a misplaced song that appeared on shuffle.
Darkness is the absence of light, not the other way around.
So the only way to slay my demons is to chase light and disregard darkness.

I don’t think this concept sticks to anyone better than Jesus.
Throughout the New Testament, he did nothing but chase the light. He helped others, didn’t allow Satan to lie to him, he didn’t allow his fears to tame is courage, and he constantly prayed to remain on God’s track for him.

Here is the rest of the quote:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

the reason why I have been so frustrated with my photos is because I haven’t gone outside what was in proximity to me.

A few days ago I was in the Sayer’s living room trying to show Katie this image I was working on. Hyena esque laughs prompted by Fired Up, trodded around as background noise and I was a little annoyed because she said she didn’t like the picture.

“To be honest, I don’t like either copy,” she said, “It’s not my type of photography”.

After that mild epithet, I just watched the movie for a bit, fumbled through some other pictures,  then turned my mac off.

And since then I haven’t really shot anything and now I know why.

What makes art so special is the fact that it can draw on the unseen, the unknown and the imaginative and bring it to the viewer.

In my image, I tried so hard to show a world I imagined to exist in their minds as the two subjects interacted.

But, to be honest I think I have fallen in love with my default setting too much that I have constrained my camera, and in turn myself to whats always around.

Composition is great, but risks and subjects far different from the usual is dangerous but rewarding.
And that’s where I want to go.

I met a girl a few weeks ago, and I must say she is rather amazing. A special smile, a habit of yawning and a gullibility that makes me enjoy constructing false stories for her all the more sweet. But now I find myself feeling like a pioneer who has fallen backwards in the space time continuum.

I have a habit of running directly into things before really assessing the situation, which has led me to a few dark places in my life because my other major demon is regret.

Questions, doubts, stupidity are all consuming me again and I can’t help but ask: Didn’t I already slay this dragon?

It’s been a (insert positive adjective here) summer thus far, but why are these demons back? Is it lunch time again? Or are they finally on their way out, and just attempting to find anything cling on?

I like her, the objective of my story seems clear, so why am I left still wondering?

Of course I dont expect you to answer, but I pray that some how in writing this, I’ve helped you close the door on your own junk.

I am at the point where I dont know if the direction I feel led to is an illusion or if i was dragged here by the forces around me.
There’s this death cab song that says “i grabbed some stones from underneath, and waited for you to speak to me”.
Maybe I am crazy, maybe I have invented a God to validate how I act.
Maybe I am more scared of the fact that the God that has pushed me here created me for more than where I am at, and since I dont know where it is, i assume nothing is there at all.
*****
As sure as these words on this 13” macbook, i heard in my heart “I wont leave you alone”.
*****

photo credit: Jeff Gardner